Love Ain’t Supposed to Hurt: Breaking Free from Abuse
Let’s get something straight: love is not supposed to hurt. It’s not supposed to make you feel small, scared, or controlled. But when you’ve been primed to believe otherwise, it can take time to recognize what love is supposed to feel like. I know because I’ve been there.
When I was in high school, I found myself in an abusive relationship. At the time, I didn’t see it for what it was—I thought the manipulation, control, and emotional rollercoaster were just part of love. Growing up in a household where fear and survival ruled my world had set me up to accept those dynamics as normal. I was primed for toxic relationships, but I didn’t know it yet.
It wasn’t until much later, when I started therapy, that I began to untangle all of it. Therapy taught me how to recognize healthy love, set boundaries, and most importantly, reclaim my voice.
What Abuse Looks Like
Abuse doesn’t always look like bruises. Sometimes, it’s the words that cut deep, the financial control that leaves you dependent, or the constant surveillance that leaves you feeling trapped. Abuse can show up as:
Emotional manipulation—gaslighting, name-calling, or breaking down your self-esteem.
Control—monitoring who you talk to, what you wear, or where you go.
Isolation—pulling you away from friends and family until you feel like they’re all you have.
Fear—using threats, intimidation, or violence to keep you in line.
For me, it was all about control—what I could wear, who I could talk to, where I could go. At first, I mistook it for care, like, Oh, he just wants to know where I am because he loves me. But love doesn’t feel like walking on eggshells.
Why It’s Hard to Leave
I get it. People often ask, Why don’t they just leave? But when you’re in it, leaving feels like a mountain you can’t climb. Maybe it’s fear of what they’ll do if you leave. Maybe it’s the financial control that makes starting over seem impossible. Or maybe it’s shame—feeling like you’ll be judged for being in that situation in the first place.
For me, I stayed because I didn’t even realize it was abuse. It wasn’t until years later, sitting on a therapist’s couch, that I started to understand how my childhood had conditioned me to accept less than I deserved.
How I Found Healing
Therapy gave me the tools to unpack all of it. I learned that love isn’t about control or fear—it’s about safety, mutual respect, and support. I started setting boundaries, walking away from toxic situations, and recognizing red flags before they could turn into something worse.
And most importantly, I learned to give myself grace. Abuse doesn’t happen because you’re weak—it happens because someone else is trying to take your power. Healing is about taking that power back.
How to Help Someone You Love
If someone you care about is in an abusive relationship, the best thing you can do is offer non-judgmental support. Say things like:
“Thank you for trusting me. You’re not alone.”
“This isn’t your fault, and you don’t deserve this.”
“You have the right to make your own choices, and I’m here to help.”
And remember what not to say:
“Why don’t you just leave?”
“I wouldn’t let this happen to me.”
“He always seemed nice to me.”
Shame doesn’t help—it only isolates.
For Anyone Who Needs to Hear It
If you’re in an abusive situation right now, hear me when I say: You deserve better. You deserve safety, love, and a life where you’re not constantly looking over your shoulder. You are not alone, and there are people and resources ready to help you take that first step.
Reflection Prompt:
What’s one thing you can do to honor yourself and prioritize your safety and well-being—whether it’s setting a boundary, reaching out for support, or just reminding yourself that you deserve healthy love?
Love should feel like freedom, not control. Let’s unlearn the lies and rewrite the story—because you are worthy of love that heals, not love that hurts.
Rooting for your freedom,
Dr. Brooklyn Chick 🌱✨
